Bah Humbug!

Ok, so the title is only slightly misleading. I'm not really feeling bah humbug about the holidays.  I love Christmas and spending time with the fam and celebrating the miraculous birth of our Savior and His life that was spent in teaching us, each one of us, the great and wonderful gospel and finally sacrificing that life to atone for each and every sin you or I will ever commit in this life as well as covering for all the pain, suffering and hurt that we experience when we don't sin and are completely innocent.
Now after saying that, I feel mucho guilt about what I was gonna blog about.  Don't know if I'm gonna actually post this, but if you're reading this, then obviously I did. :)  If you are....please keep in mind, this is not my usual frame of mind, but it's been going on for a while now I had to get it out of my head and onto "paper" to keep my sanity, the little bit I have anyway! ;)

But now that I've taken a bit of a hiatus from typing this, I've had sufficient time to relapse into my "Blue Christmas" attitude and "Woe is me!" mindset! :p

This holiday season has been extra hard this year.  It's been hard the past few years, but I don't remember crying at the drop of a hat (and if you know me, I don't cry that much, period)! I don't know why it's so much harder, but it is.  And before you ask....no, it's not hormones, I won't go into details on how I know, but trust me. I really don't want to be stuck on myself and thinking how sad my situation is, cuz I know I have a great life and I'm so very blessed.  I have an amazing family, great friends, the true gospel, not to mention a very nice apartment, new (to me) car (yes, it's in the shop, but it's all covered by warranty and I have a rental that's included), good education, and so many other things I'm not gonna bore you with the list.  But the one thing I've always wanted more than anything else, is to be a wife and mother.  And that hasn't happened yet.  I'm 30 years old, and in the past 10 years, all my relationships have lasted less than a month, for five straight years there were no relationships.  And correct me if I'm wrong, but it's usually helpful for the whole marriage thing to happen if you're actually able to get in a relationship! And I apologize again for the whole tone of this post, I'm not (I don't thnk anyway) really a bitter, angry old maid.  But I am tired of all those dating games.  I usually don't have a problem knowing if the guys are interested....it's when they stop being interested that drives me crazy.  It's when they stop talking to me for no reason, ignore me for days, or just can't man up and tell me that they're not interested.  I'm not some crazy, hormonal teenager.  I'm a big girl, I can handle the news, it's not gonna destroy my world.  Yes, I'll be bummed, cuz obviously I was interested in you if I'm upset at you being an idiot (usually don't get upset at people being idiots who I'm not trying to build a relationship with), but being bummed is part of life, and I'll recover...promise! And probably a whole lot quicker than your ego would like to admit!

But is there something drastically wrong with me? I don't think so, in fact, I think I'm quite a catch!  Yeah, I've got problems and issues and baggage, but it's a light carry-on.  I've got my quirks, but who doesn't.  And if I had any major problems or issues that needed to be resolved, I would hope and I believe that my friends would love me enough to tell me to fix things.  But they haven't, and I trust them.  I'm not gonna pretend to be someone I'm not, cuz I can't.  I'm a tough, red-neckish, truck-driving, wrestling, energetic, independent, stubborn and ornery woman.  But the kind of guys I like, like that kind of woman.  So what's the problem here?  Sometimes I feel like how my mom described my sister when she went to nursery for the first time (she was a few months younger than most because my mom was called as the primary leader when she was about 15-16 months).  But she would want to play with the other kids so much and they would ignore her, you know how kids can be, so she would grab them and shake them as if to say "PLAY WITH ME, BE MY FRIEND, DO IT NOW!" We laugh about how she was the youngest and the smallest there, but this sweet child was the bully of the nursery!  And we all know how effective shaking someone and getting in their face is to make them be your friend.  Not very! But sometimes, I want to shake some of these guys and say "DATE ME! I'M A GREAT, SWEET, NICE GIRL!! YOU'LL LIKE ME, JUST DO IT!!!"  But something tells me they might not believe me if I do that! :)

And trust me, I've had everyone under the sun tell me all sorts of "great" advice, heck, I've given it to others when they've felt like me.  Problem is, it doesn't help change the fact that at the end of the day, I'm alone.  "But" you ask, "don't you have an amazing and wonderful family that you're super close to and great friends?" Yep, that's true, I do, I'm very lucky that way.  But at 30, our relationships have changed and I no longer live with my family, so eventually I leave them, I come home alone. "But," you have another question," don't you have a great roommate that'll hang out with you and talk to you and eat your experimental dishes?" True again.  She's awesome, and I've been muey blessed to live with some great girls who have inspired me and love me and I love them and they've helped shape me into who I am today. But again, at the end of the day, I leave her (and them) and walk back to my cold and empty room, slip into my queen size bed, alone.  And when I have those hard moments, when the world is coming down around me, all I need is a hug from someone telling me it'll be ok. I'm alone. I know I could go see a thousand people to cry to, but I don't call people to tell them I need a hug, that's not me, so I sit on my couch or my bed, crying my eyes out, by myself, which I seem to have been doing a lot lately.

Now again, I hate thinking so much about this, and I really do try to get it off my mind.  I go to family functions and enjoy them.  Go to parties and activities, do my baking and shopping and errands, and it helps, but this time of year, everything gets thrown back in my face.  The other day I was visiting with a couple friends, each who have a kid, one's pretty new, and they're talking and I'm sitting across the room, and I love them and I love their kids, but there's a sharp pain in my heart seeing the tableaux they made with their children and I didn't have that, and that's all I really want.  Then when my single friends are all excited about new relationships that have been a long time in coming, I am so very happy for them, cuz I know the struggles and heartache they've been through, but again, that stab in my chest, cuz again, I want that and I cannot see it happening for as far as I can see.  Then with Christmas shows and even the commercials, they're all about that special someone and finding them and showing them how much you care, it's throwing it back in my face that I'm single and alone.  And don't get me started about Christmas songs! I love Christmas music, I start listening it the day after Thanksgiving cuz I love the feeling it brings to this time of year, but I've had to turn the station so much this year cuz the tears come unbidden to my eyes.  Even my friends facebook comments about the great things or funny things or sweet things their husbands or kids have done turns on the waterworks these days.

And trust me, if all I wanted was to be married, I could have had that happen a long, long time ago, I've had offers, but you can't say I'm being picky, cuz if you knew the guys you would agree, they weren't for me, not that many of them weren't good guys, they were, and some of them married great woman and I'm happy for them.  I don't know why I'm not married, but I do know I want a good marriage, not perfect, like my parents, and so many of my friends have.  So I'm holding out for someone I know can complement me, not perfect though, cuz where's the fun in that!  Who is 100% a partner, loves, cherishes, and respects me and I him.  I want him like Mr. Knightley in Jane Austen's Emma, says about the title character, "He had ridden home through the rain; and had walked up directly after dinner, to see how this sweetest and best of all creatures, faultless in spite of all her faults, bore the discovery."  That's what I want to find, someone who sees all my faults and understands them and wants to help me overcome them, but still considers me faultless.  When I find that person, I will give him everything cuz I can't do anything part way, it's not in my nature.  Until then, I'll work and I'll pray and I'll laugh and I'll live, cuz I know this "downer" part of me will move on and my happy, excited, cheery self will be back and I'll be ok again...might not be till next year, but hey! I'll take what I can get! ;)

No more homework, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks!

Ok, ok, so I don't think I ever got dirty looks from my teachers this semester, but the semester is done! I'm quite excited, anatomy was kicking my butt! Though I do quite love learning anatomy, and I loved my other class, but the end of the semester means I'm that much closer to graduating.  I'm trying to get my internship lined up, but my procastinating skills are kicking into high gear and I'm fighting them, but I've had more experience procastinating then being organized.  I'm up to the task though, cuz I'm Jenean! ;)

Updates: Shelley died....my Explorer. :( It was quite a sad experience, I really wanted her to last me till I graduated, but c'est la vie! So I bought a "new" 2007 Chevy Trailblazer....I know!!! I bought a CHEVY!!! What was I thinking? I'm 100% a Ford girl! I hate Chevy just on principal alone! But it was too good a deal to turn down, a much nicer car than I thought I could afford right now, and it'll last me a while, though I'm gonna upgrade to a Ford when I get a job that pays real money!  And it is really pretty, Moonstone is the color, kinda like a silver blue. Janessa helped me with the name, and since I'm a traitor to the Ford, Janessa suggested Brutus first, but I said I was the traitor, so the car was more like Julius Ceasar, so that's it's name....JC for short, or Julius.  Yes, Julius Tremble can feel quite flattered because he shares a name with my car. :)

Two roadtrips for the break, just came back yesterday from the first one to NC.  It was a quick weekend trip, lots of fun, first time in a long time that I wasn't happy about coming back to Atlanta after a trip.  No matter how much fun I've had on trips, I'm always happy to come back home, but yesterday I wanted to go back to NC! Maybe I'll look there for an intern?  The long trip starts the day after Christmas.  Janessa's starting a job out in Utah, she flies out Wed and comes home from Christmas, so I'm driving out with her the day after so she can have her car out there and I'll fly back after the first of the year sometime, right now looking like Jan 3/4 (overnight layover in Dallas), but I think I'm gonna wait a bit and see if I can get a non-overnight layover, we'll see what happens.

Now just 2 weeks before Christmas, Happy Holidays Y'all!

Confusion, Indecisiveness, and General Blech

You know those days or weeks when nothing's really wrong, but you just feel blech? Yeah, today's one of those days.  It seems this week has been full of little things that aren't that big of a deal, but they all together they seem multiply and increase this icky feeling.  I find I usually have those days (or weeks, depending) after something that had a big build-up and then there's nothing after, so you drop from the adrenalin rush you were having.  And since last weekend was the YSA Conference that I helped plan and execute, this week definitely fits into this category.  But I'll get over it soon enough.  I have my last softball game tonight (hopefully no bats to the head, oh yeah, I didn't write about that, well, that'll be a quick post for another day, and I have pics), then a massage appointment after.  I haven't made it up to Alan and Crystal's new house at all this week, not because I couldn't, but because I had plans that ended up falling through, which also adds to the blech feeling.  But they move in on Saturday, and that'll be good for them, I'm excited for them.

Classes start next week and I'm at an indecisive area.  I'm not sure if I want to keep on with my emphasis or not.  I've completely been procrastinating my thesis and I'm kinda debating on whether I should stop at the Master's, and if I could be sure I could get a teaching position at a junior college, I'd be more than fine with that.  Or I was also thinking I might could switch to the Fitness and Health Promotion, do an internship instead of a thesis, and work in an area that promotes health and fitness outside of being a personal trainer.  I would be more than fine working in a gym, but I know I'm not cut out to be a trainer, at least that not being the only thing I do.  I like management positions and teaching/discussion as part of it too (yes, I'm bossy!) and I am passionate about health and fitness.   So yeah, I've been debating about it.  But the only thing is, if I switch to the Fitness and Health Promotion emphasis, I'm not sure I'll be able to go on and get a PhD if I ever decide to.  Which right now I'd be ok with, but if I end up changing my mind down the road, I won't be.  Anyway, sorry this is a downer post, but I'll add a more upbeat one soon....if I remember to write! ;-)

Let the craziness ensue....well, more so than usual at least!

So this week has been slightly crazy.  First my one roommates fam was staying with us through Wednesday, which they were great, but we double the occupancy of our 3-bedroom apartment, suddenly there's people everywhere and all sharing the hall bathroom.  Slight chaos, but really not that big of a deal.  But let's back-up a little bit, shall we? This past weekend a group of us went camping at Tallulah Gorge... so much fun!! We hiked around, some of us did the stairs, some of the smart ones didn't.  One of the girls got sick from the heat and climbing all those stairs (there's over 1000 steps), and that was quite exciting, but luckily she wasn't too overheated and was fine with a little A/C and water at the Interpretive Center (essentially it's the ranger station and gift shop for those of you who've never been).  And no, we didn't get lost this time! :)We got back and that's when the craziness ensued. 

This weekend is the Multi-Regional YSA Conference with Elder Ballard speaking tomorrow night to a combined fireside for YSA and SA (and mid-singles, they like to differentiate themselves), and I'm the Roswell Stake YSA Rep and the only person that I can tell that's been posting info about the conference on FB.  So my FB is blowing up, my phone is exploding with all these questions about the conference, which would be fine if I knew more than the people asking me....which I really don't.  The conference itself is planned out, I hope! But I'm not sure how the housing situation's gonna play out, they're supposed to organize it tonight at the dance, and there are around 200 people who said they needed housing, so I pray that they have enough accomodations for everyone.  Then the other thing is the activity after the fireside.  The fireside starts at 5pm, which means we'll have the whole evening afterwards for people to enjoy.  We're doing dinner, which should be fine, but some of us were pushing for an organized activity instead of a dance, well, they're encouraging small group discussions of the fireside, which is great, but it'll only last through dinner, I'm betting.  So I'm pulling Janessa in to help me with games and possibly Mike to send a dj down last minute and start another dance if need be.  So yeah, I hope this doesn't end on a lame note, but next year we're totally revamping the whole system, so that should be good.

But to get back to the rest of my week.  Last Friday Alan and Crystal bought a house, then Tuesday she flew out to Oregon with Hailey for her dad's wedding this weekend (funny how everything happens at once! But the house needs cleaning and painting before they can move in, which is next weekend when she gets back (she can't do much at the house anway, she's 6 months preggers).  So Monday I worked at dad's office, then a softball game, then FHE.  Tuesday was the temple, then shopping for decor for the dance, then Institute, then bball.  Wedneday I was over at the bro's house cleaning and prepping for the paint.  Then went to help a guy pick up a bookcase he'd bought that didn't fit in his small sedan, but would in my big 'ol Explorer. :)  Wednesday night a guy in the ward was taking out his endowments, so I was back at the temple, and we went to Yogli afterwards for dessert.  Thursday dad needed a bunch of courier service done from Sandy Springs to Buford, and I was going to go back to Alan's and work more after I was done, but the A/C went out in the apartment Wednesday night, so the only time they could make it Thursday was between 12-2 or it would be today. I don't really get too hot in general and I was dying Wednesday night, so I came back to the condo so someone would be here when they came.  That being done, I headed back up to Alan's and cleaned more and taped up a couple rooms to get them ready to paint today.  And today I'm going to my gma's to help her with some stuff around the house and meeting another girl at 4ish to finish decor for the dance and get there around 7 to set up.  Then I'll be down in Jonesboro till late tomorrow night.  And I'm not done yet.... Sunday will be church, but there are a bunch of guys coming up from Ft. Rucker to go to the conference and temple and were asking about Linger Longer on Sunday, got me thinking we should do a potluck for any of those who we meet at the conference who are staying through Sunday evening, so I started organizing that.  Then I get an email saying there's a Stake Leadership training meeting with Elder Ballard Sunday evening at 6:30pm (it'll be broadcast, he won't physically be there).  Our church ends at 4:30.  So I can't host this potluck anymore, so we end up switching it to another girl's house so those of us who need to be at the meeting can just leave.

Whew...I feel tired! :)  But I am excited for this weekend, I think it'll be good overall, and yeah, there might be hiccups, but c'est la vie!

Yeah, bout that...

You ever feel that you think you know exactly what's going on, only to find out you're completely clueless? Yeah, it's been one of those days. Nothing really happened, it's just been a blech day making me feel like I don't have a handle on anything in my life. But I'm sure I'll feel better after sleep.