Friday, December 23, 2011

Bah Humbug!

Ok, so the title is only slightly misleading. I'm not really feeling bah humbug about the holidays.  I love Christmas and spending time with the fam and celebrating the miraculous birth of our Savior and His life that was spent in teaching us, each one of us, the great and wonderful gospel and finally sacrificing that life to atone for each and every sin you or I will ever commit in this life as well as covering for all the pain, suffering and hurt that we experience when we don't sin and are completely innocent.
Now after saying that, I feel mucho guilt about what I was gonna blog about.  Don't know if I'm gonna actually post this, but if you're reading this, then obviously I did. :)  If you are....please keep in mind, this is not my usual frame of mind, but it's been going on for a while now I had to get it out of my head and onto "paper" to keep my sanity, the little bit I have anyway! ;)

But now that I've taken a bit of a hiatus from typing this, I've had sufficient time to relapse into my "Blue Christmas" attitude and "Woe is me!" mindset! :p

This holiday season has been extra hard this year.  It's been hard the past few years, but I don't remember crying at the drop of a hat (and if you know me, I don't cry that much, period)! I don't know why it's so much harder, but it is.  And before you, it's not hormones, I won't go into details on how I know, but trust me. I really don't want to be stuck on myself and thinking how sad my situation is, cuz I know I have a great life and I'm so very blessed.  I have an amazing family, great friends, the true gospel, not to mention a very nice apartment, new (to me) car (yes, it's in the shop, but it's all covered by warranty and I have a rental that's included), good education, and so many other things I'm not gonna bore you with the list.  But the one thing I've always wanted more than anything else, is to be a wife and mother.  And that hasn't happened yet.  I'm 30 years old, and in the past 10 years, all my relationships have lasted less than a month, for five straight years there were no relationships.  And correct me if I'm wrong, but it's usually helpful for the whole marriage thing to happen if you're actually able to get in a relationship! And I apologize again for the whole tone of this post, I'm not (I don't thnk anyway) really a bitter, angry old maid.  But I am tired of all those dating games.  I usually don't have a problem knowing if the guys are's when they stop being interested that drives me crazy.  It's when they stop talking to me for no reason, ignore me for days, or just can't man up and tell me that they're not interested.  I'm not some crazy, hormonal teenager.  I'm a big girl, I can handle the news, it's not gonna destroy my world.  Yes, I'll be bummed, cuz obviously I was interested in you if I'm upset at you being an idiot (usually don't get upset at people being idiots who I'm not trying to build a relationship with), but being bummed is part of life, and I'll recover...promise! And probably a whole lot quicker than your ego would like to admit!

But is there something drastically wrong with me? I don't think so, in fact, I think I'm quite a catch!  Yeah, I've got problems and issues and baggage, but it's a light carry-on.  I've got my quirks, but who doesn't.  And if I had any major problems or issues that needed to be resolved, I would hope and I believe that my friends would love me enough to tell me to fix things.  But they haven't, and I trust them.  I'm not gonna pretend to be someone I'm not, cuz I can't.  I'm a tough, red-neckish, truck-driving, wrestling, energetic, independent, stubborn and ornery woman.  But the kind of guys I like, like that kind of woman.  So what's the problem here?  Sometimes I feel like how my mom described my sister when she went to nursery for the first time (she was a few months younger than most because my mom was called as the primary leader when she was about 15-16 months).  But she would want to play with the other kids so much and they would ignore her, you know how kids can be, so she would grab them and shake them as if to say "PLAY WITH ME, BE MY FRIEND, DO IT NOW!" We laugh about how she was the youngest and the smallest there, but this sweet child was the bully of the nursery!  And we all know how effective shaking someone and getting in their face is to make them be your friend.  Not very! But sometimes, I want to shake some of these guys and say "DATE ME! I'M A GREAT, SWEET, NICE GIRL!! YOU'LL LIKE ME, JUST DO IT!!!"  But something tells me they might not believe me if I do that! :)

And trust me, I've had everyone under the sun tell me all sorts of "great" advice, heck, I've given it to others when they've felt like me.  Problem is, it doesn't help change the fact that at the end of the day, I'm alone.  "But" you ask, "don't you have an amazing and wonderful family that you're super close to and great friends?" Yep, that's true, I do, I'm very lucky that way.  But at 30, our relationships have changed and I no longer live with my family, so eventually I leave them, I come home alone. "But," you have another question," don't you have a great roommate that'll hang out with you and talk to you and eat your experimental dishes?" True again.  She's awesome, and I've been muey blessed to live with some great girls who have inspired me and love me and I love them and they've helped shape me into who I am today. But again, at the end of the day, I leave her (and them) and walk back to my cold and empty room, slip into my queen size bed, alone.  And when I have those hard moments, when the world is coming down around me, all I need is a hug from someone telling me it'll be ok. I'm alone. I know I could go see a thousand people to cry to, but I don't call people to tell them I need a hug, that's not me, so I sit on my couch or my bed, crying my eyes out, by myself, which I seem to have been doing a lot lately.

Now again, I hate thinking so much about this, and I really do try to get it off my mind.  I go to family functions and enjoy them.  Go to parties and activities, do my baking and shopping and errands, and it helps, but this time of year, everything gets thrown back in my face.  The other day I was visiting with a couple friends, each who have a kid, one's pretty new, and they're talking and I'm sitting across the room, and I love them and I love their kids, but there's a sharp pain in my heart seeing the tableaux they made with their children and I didn't have that, and that's all I really want.  Then when my single friends are all excited about new relationships that have been a long time in coming, I am so very happy for them, cuz I know the struggles and heartache they've been through, but again, that stab in my chest, cuz again, I want that and I cannot see it happening for as far as I can see.  Then with Christmas shows and even the commercials, they're all about that special someone and finding them and showing them how much you care, it's throwing it back in my face that I'm single and alone.  And don't get me started about Christmas songs! I love Christmas music, I start listening it the day after Thanksgiving cuz I love the feeling it brings to this time of year, but I've had to turn the station so much this year cuz the tears come unbidden to my eyes.  Even my friends facebook comments about the great things or funny things or sweet things their husbands or kids have done turns on the waterworks these days.

And trust me, if all I wanted was to be married, I could have had that happen a long, long time ago, I've had offers, but you can't say I'm being picky, cuz if you knew the guys you would agree, they weren't for me, not that many of them weren't good guys, they were, and some of them married great woman and I'm happy for them.  I don't know why I'm not married, but I do know I want a good marriage, not perfect, like my parents, and so many of my friends have.  So I'm holding out for someone I know can complement me, not perfect though, cuz where's the fun in that!  Who is 100% a partner, loves, cherishes, and respects me and I him.  I want him like Mr. Knightley in Jane Austen's Emma, says about the title character, "He had ridden home through the rain; and had walked up directly after dinner, to see how this sweetest and best of all creatures, faultless in spite of all her faults, bore the discovery."  That's what I want to find, someone who sees all my faults and understands them and wants to help me overcome them, but still considers me faultless.  When I find that person, I will give him everything cuz I can't do anything part way, it's not in my nature.  Until then, I'll work and I'll pray and I'll laugh and I'll live, cuz I know this "downer" part of me will move on and my happy, excited, cheery self will be back and I'll be ok again...might not be till next year, but hey! I'll take what I can get! ;)

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